Lucy A. McLaren

It’s time for my second counselling session. This one is held with Jase Raion, Crown Prince of Chall from L. Krauch’s The 13th Zodiac book (which has gone straight on my TBR pile). He has a lot of trauma from his past that he wanted to explore.

Now for the session…

Assessment Form

Name: Jase Raion, Crown Prince of Chall

Age: 20

Reason for seeking counselling: Requested by significant other.

Have you tried counselling before?: No

How do you feel about being here?: Nervous. I’m not really one to talk about what I have done.

Do you have any goals for counselling?: Maybe get some of the stress I have off my chest? Might feel good to tell someone who isn’t going to judge me. I hope.

Is there anything else you’d like me to know before your session?: I’m sure there is something. Probably should mention that I killed someone at 15. And my SO thinks I need to talk about it.

Counselling Session

Lucy: Hello, welcome to your counselling session. It’s lovely to meet you. Thank you for completing the assessment form. I’m Lucy and I’ll be your counsellor for today. Now, first thing’s first—what is your preferred name to go by?

Jase: Jase is fine.

L: Okay, Jase, great. Well, as I said, it’s great to meet you. So, just to give you an idea of what to expect as you haven’t had counselling before—I’m basically here as a listening ear, and to provide you with the space and time to process your thoughts and feelings. I won’t ever judge you and I won’t tell you what to do. You can talk about whatever you feel comfortable with. You mentioned in your assessment form that your significant other requested that you have counselling, and that they think they should talk about the fact that you killed someone when you were 15. I’ll start by asking: what do you want to talk about in this session?

J: Heh, well.  That is the question. Isn’t it? I mean, she’s not wrong. I should talk about it. She’s the first I really explained what happened that day. But honestly, I feel like my biggest issue is trust. Not in her, mind you. In others. Shit, half the reason I … It was a girl who caused his death. I’m just the one who pulled the trigger. And then there’s my dad, the king, and all the shit he put me through. I have scars on my back from when my mother tried to kill me. I don’t even remember who she was and there were many times I wished she finished the job. I’m sorry. I’m feeling a bit ridiculous. Like I’m a prince. I shouldn’t have these kinds of reservations… Right?

L: You say you’re feeling a bit ridiculous, but you’ve been through so much. It seems to me like you’ve been carrying all these thoughts and feelings around, expecting yourself to just get on with it because you’re a prince and you shouldn’t have these kinds of reservations. But you’re also someone who is allowed to feel pain and hurt, sadness and anger. There’s a lot of different things you brought up there; I’m wondering whether there’s any of those in particular you’d like to tell me more about.

J: My mother. I don’t remember her. I always wondered why she did what she did. Did she hate me for what my father did to her? Or was she trying to save me from him? Who stabs their child in the back, literally to kill him so his father doesn’t get his hands on them? How did he even find me… Did she even…

L: Those all feel like such huge questions, and I can see it’s hard for you to talk about this. It seems like these questions are a great weight you’ve been dragging round for a long time. It must be frustrating to have questions like that—Why did your mother stab you in the back? Was she trying to save you? Did she hate you?—and to not have the answers. That must be incredibly difficult for you.

J: Yeah… Ana, the uh… My nursemaid? She raised me ‘cause my father wasn’t too interested in having a son. She said she never knew her either. That she was one of my father’s courtesans. So I like to tell myself she was trying to save me, ‘cause she knew what he was like. Ana put up with a lot of Soren’s, that’s my father’s name, shit too. I’m sorry, should I avoid swearing? I’m sure it’s not very becoming. Anyway, I’m definitely thankful to Ana, if it weren’t for her, I’d definitely be dead.

L: Everything you say remains between us, so if you want to swear then feel free. I don’t mind at all. It sounds as though Ana means a lot to you. She’s been a mother to you, really, and without her you feel as though you’d definitely be dead. That’s a huge statement, Jase, and one that seems to come from a place of real hurt.

J: No really. She saved my life when I was 8. Being stupid, I asked her to go with me so I could pet a puppy. Typical kid things. But on the way I ran into my father. Well, his knee. And when he found out what I was planning he dragged me away to ‘remind me of my place’ meaning he was going to reopen the scars like he liked to do to punish me for being… me. Apparently, I passed out, lost a lot of blood and nearly died. So I really do owe her a lot. And she is practically my mother.

L: So it’s no wonder you feel close to Ana. You mention your father and his punishments, which sound horrific, but it almost feels quite disconnected to me. Like you talk about it but you struggle to know how to process these experiences you had or how to feel about your father. He’s a part of your life, that much is clear, and one who has shaped what’s happened to you, sometimes from a distance and sometimes directly. You  passed out from blood loss and nearly died at his hand. That sounds like a truly awful experience and I’m so sorry that happened to you.

J: He never really felt like a father to me. Just a man who provided half his genes to make me. I am merely a means to an end for him. A pawn to play in his game. He needed an heir and I was it. Love was not in his vocabulary. Never has been.

L: Love was never in your father’s vocabulary, and you were just a means to an end for him. I sense a lot of bitterness in those words—and sadness too.

J: I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bitter. He is an equal opportunity asshole. It’s not enough that he ruined my childhood, he did the same to my…. to Liya. I mean, it wasn’t all terrible. If he wanted involved anyway. I had friends… well, a friend, for a few years after he took the Kingdom of Aria (that’s where Liya is from).

L: Liya, they were your friend? And your father did something that means they’re not in your life anymore, is that right?

J: Sorry. Liya is my SO. She actually just came back into my life after being presumed dead for 10 years. At least I thought she was dead. I was there when my father killed her parents and burned down her home. I saw her escape. I never told him. And I’m glad I didn’t. Without her I wouldn’t be here today. The friend I mentioned was the one I killed when we were 15. I have come to terms with his death as much as I can. I made a mistake. And it cost him his life.

L: I see, thank you for clarifying. So Liya is someone you rely on—without her you wouldn’t be here today. It’s great you have that connection and feel like you have someone you can trust. You say you’ve come to terms with your friend’s death as much as you can, though I know you mentioned in your assessment form that Liya feels you should talk about your friend’s death. You made a mistake and it cost him his life. Do you want to tell me anymore about it?

J: William’s the reason I even ended up in Aria to find Liya, even if I wasn’t looking for her at the time. He had a boy he liked and never got to tell him. I took it upon myself to deliver his letter. I think she wanted me to talk about it ‘cause I avoid it. I’ve only told her what happened, and no one else. The others know I’ve killed people, but not like that. He was my best friend.

L: It must have been very hard keeping that to yourself, telling no one but Liya. I’m wondering  how talking about it now, to me, feels for you?

J: Great really. I worry about telling the others. Worried they will only see me as my father’s son. I want them to see me as who I am and not who I should be. Their equal, their friend. Not the son of their enemy.  I really appreciate you listening to me. I definitely needed to get this off my chest.  

L: That’s great that it’s helping to talk about it. You worry about telling the others, and that doing so would make them see you as a man like your father, is that right? But, from what you’re telling me, the death of your friend was an accident. Your father has repeatedly and deliberately acted in cruel and violent ways. Those two feel very different to me. You aren’t your father.

J: I appreciate you saying that. I guess I worry that they won’t see me that way. Afterall his blood isn’t the only kind on my hands. I’ve killed to prove myself to my father. And for money. Spent a few years as a mercenary after accruing a rather hefty debt for a prior employer. So I don’t doubt they see me as a killer. Cause really, I am. But I hope to one day prove I can be the hero they need.

L: I would say you being able to say that to me is the first step towards becoming that hero. You’ve done things you aren’t proud of, things you did to prove yourself to your father or when working as a mercenary… but you want to change. Now you’re in a position to think about what that change looks like.

J: That’s the hope. Starting with keeping Liya far away from my father. If he gets his hands on her… I would do anything to keep her safe. Especially from him. And the Titan of Time. But she’s a whole nother topic.

L: So your first aim is to keep Liya safe from your father and the Titan of Time. What does that mean for you? It feels like a big responsibility.

J: I’d kill him if I had to. Her too. If we can figure out how to end an immortal being that is. If I do manage to end my father then that would mean I would become king. It’s not what I want, but it might be required. And maybe, just maybe I can fix what he broke.

L: If you became king, you could try to fix what your father broke. That’s something I sense means a lot to you. That could be your way of proving yourself to be the hero people need.

J: I have no problem doing what I need to do for my friends. For the one I love. Being king isn’t something I seek. I would much rather return to Aria and rest with Liya at my side. But I also understand that I have a duty to my people if or when my father’s reign ends.

L: What means a lot to you, then, isn’t being king but doing what you need to for your friends and partner. It’s clear you’re very protective of them and will do what you need to in order to keep them safe—even if that means doing something that you ultimately don’t want. Let me ask you this: if you could act for you, based on what you want rather than what others might expect of you, how would your life look?

J: That is a loaded question, isn’t it? If I could ignore the threat of my father and Time, I would. If I could take her far from danger, I would. Time doesn’t just threaten her, but also every living being. And neither would stop searching for Liya. We wouldn’t be safe until the threats have been extinguished. I may not want to do this, but I have to. If not me, then who else? I feel like it’s my fate. I do what I must not just for them, but for me and my happiness. Knowing they are out there, hurting people would cause grief. Even if I could ignore it, I would feel responsible for any negativity that would come from my inaction.

L: I see. This feels like your fate, and something you need to do both for others—your friends and Liya—but also for your own happiness. That seems like a breakthrough: no matter how difficult this is; and how much pressure it places on you, you want to see this through. You take a lot on your shoulders, Jase, and I see that protecting others means a great deal to you. Your past makes you feel unworthy, but you are prepared to do what you can to make up for what has happened before. I can’t help but feel those are the traits of a hero. Perhaps you are one already, without being aware of it.

J: I… I would love to believe that. And perhaps you are correct. I just don’t feel like one, yet. I know I came here at her request, to talk about Will, but I never expected this. I… I just want to say thank you, for listening.

L: You’re very welcome, Jase. I’m so pleased it’s helped. We’ll draw the session to a conclusion here, so I’ll briefly summarise what you’ve spoken about. You’ve had really difficult experiences that have left their mark on you—your mother’s attack on you, the death of your friend–for which you blame yourself–and how you’ve been treated by your father. You’ve brought real pain into the session, but it’s also evident that there is hope within you as well. You are highly protective of those around you; of Liya and your friends. You don’t want to be king, but you do want to do what’s right. Perhaps it is because you don’t want to be king that you will be a great one; you will be different to your father, because you have so much self-awareness about the mistakes of your past and what you can do to change yourself. You don’t feel like a hero right now, yet I’m sure you’ll see in yourself what others already see in you, given time. It’s been great meeting you, and I wish you all the best with whatever the future brings.

J: Thanks, Lucy. I will definitely remember this. I knew it was all in there, it’s just good to get it out. While I want to say that there won’t be a next time, but I’m sure there will be. ‘Cause I still need to do what needs to be done. So perhaps we will meet again.

To learn more about L. Krauch and her writing, follow her on Twitter and via her author website.