Lucy A. McLaren

In my next counselling session, I spoke to Lord Sal from J. E. Hannaford’s The Skin (something I will be reading with great interest, having got to know this character just a little bit). Although reluctant at first, Lord Sal did manage to work out what gives him meaning in his life in the end–and that’s what counselling is all about.

On with the session!

Assessment Form

Name: Lord Sal.

Age: Age is just a number. I have seen many, many summers and as many winters.

Reason for seeking counselling: I need to talk with someone who can hear me for myself. Not be blinded by what and who I am.

Have you tried counselling before?: No, it’s a new idea to me.

How do you feel about being here?: My daughter insisted that I try it. She thinks I need to open up more. I am less than certain it will work.

Do you have any goals for counselling?: I suppose, I’d like to be more honest with a particular person. Our relationship can never progress because I have secrets.

Is there anything else you’d like me to know before your session?: If the light on my device flashes, I will be leaving. Also, please do not touch me.

Counselling Session

Lucy: Hi there, welcome to your counselling session. It’s great to meet you. Thanks for completing the assessment form. My name’s Lucy and I’ll be your counsellor for this session. I’m here to listen and prove you with a space to process your thoughts, feelings and experiences. You can talk about whatever you want to, and I’ll basically allow you to lead the session where you want to. First of all, what’s your preferred name to be called?

Sal: Many thanks for finding time, Lucy. If no one else can hear us, you can simply call me Sal.

L: Great, Sal it is. And no one else can hear us, don’t worry. Okay, so you said in your assessment form that your daughter wanted you to try counselling so you can open up. You also said that you wanted to speak to someone who could hear you for yourself. That second point feels like it’s really important to you—like you don’t have many people you can speak to who do hear you for yourself.

Sal: I’m surrounded by people who listen. They all listen – they cannot help it. It’s incredibly isolating when you are surrounded by people who hang on your every word. Most residents aboard Barge rush to my call, and do what I ask without ever questioning. Even kings bow to me… I never truly know if they’re under the spell of my power and position, my irrefutable sexual charisma, or if they actually like me for being me. He pauses.

I suppose, it’s only the arrival of my daughter, that has made me see this in such clarity. She sees me for who I really am. I miss that, it’s been a long time.

L: You’re surrounded by people who listen but they listen because of who you are. They don’t know the real you. Only your daughter sees you for who you really are. That must be very lonely.

Sal: It can be. I have company any time I want it, so it’s not physically lonely. And, sometimes Seren stops by to see me. She is one of the only people aboard who will argue with me – will question my decisions – but she doesn’t really see me. I’m scared what she might think if she truly knew me.

I mostly choose to eat in the Ocean Bar so I see people, but I’m always on show there. When my daughter, Gina, is aboard. We eat in one of our suites and relax – be ourselves without prying eyes. I haven’t had that true relaxation since I moved away from my family. I’m afraid that one day Gina will return North again and I’ll be alone, but this time, even more alone.

L: So Seren isn’t afraid to challenge you, but you don’t feel she sees the real you and are scared of what she’d think if she did. You also have a fear of your daughter leaving you and feeling truly alone, with no one to have those relaxing times in your suite with. I wonder, before your daughter was born,  what did you do to relax? Did you have that opportunity at all?

S: I never saw my daughter born. She returned to me recently, and I worry that she will not stay long. I’ve made her my heir, and am training her in the ways of running Barge. I think, maybe, that is why this all feels so new.

Before her arrival, If I wanted company, I had it. I left my family a long time ago for power, sex and money; to travel the world and see things from another perspective. I haven’t been home since. For a long time, I thought that made me happy. Then I realised something was missing. I filled the void with trying to make my life be worth something. I’ve been trying to – this sounds silly to you, I’m sure – save the wild. Do you believe in the Old Ones?

L: it doesn’t sound silly at all. It makes sense that you’re trying to find something in your life to fill the void, especially as you’ve learned you won’t find happiness in power, sex and money. You are seeking meaning in your life that will leave you feeling content. I don’t know much about the Old Ones—would you like to tell me about them?

S: You wouldn’t I suppose, most humans have forgotten. They are the ancient races of the Earth, long hidden in front of mankind’s eyes as folklore and stories. When mankind damaged the planet, they damaged the Old Ones too. Without them, and their magic the planet will die. My daughter and I plan to try and hunt down some of the missing ones, and return them to their guardianship. It’s messy work sometimes. I worry for her safety, she has been sheltered for most of her life.

L: Thank you for clarifying. You and your daughter are hunting down some of the missing Old Ones. This sounds like an incredibly important mission for you—even though it’s messy work at times too, and can be dangerous as you worry about your daughter’s safety. Despite this, I get the impression it’s something you want to see through.

S: Yes. It helps me feel I have contributed, in some small way. May I have some of the water? Before Gina came to live on Barge, I was closest to Seren. Although I take my pleasures where I want, she would offer companionship as well. Now that my daughter is here, I realise that there’s a barrier between us. One Seren knows nothing about.

L: Yes, of course—help yourself. So it wasn’t until your daughter arrived that you realised there is a barrier between you and Seren, who was the closest you had to a companion previously. I’m wondering what that barrier means—how does it impact upon your relationship with Seren? As I know you said before that you feel Seren doesn’t see the real you.  

S: It is a secret, a truth best hidden. If she found out who I really was – who my family are –she might be scared. She might leave me or worse, Barge. Barge cannot run without her, we would be sunk and lost. Seren is the glue that keeps us afloat, and the bridge between myself and the sea-folk. I care deeply for her.

L: The real you is a secret, a truth best hidden. You worry that Seren would be scared and would leave you and, worst of all, leave Barge. You rely on her; she’s the glue that keeps you afloat. Your care for her truly is evident. Perhaps that’s why you worry so much about what she would think of the real you.

S: Gina insists that Seren cares for me too. I suspect you are right. I must think on this. He stands, then paces back and forth.

L: After allowing Sal to pace for a short while. Sal, I’m wondering what thoughts are going through your head at the moment. Would you like to share?

S: It’s too big. The risk to everyone I care about. Takes something green and soggy looking from his pocket and chews on it.

I trust her, but what if she exposed me, or my daughter? I don’t think she would – no, I know she wouldn’t. But the risk to every person on my ship, everything I have worked for…

You are right, I care. But I care more about those who cannot help but to be around me, than I do my own worries. For this reason, I must accept my position. I chose my pathway, knowing rejection would be in my future. I just wasn’t expecting to find the possibility of it this far from home.

L: You choose to remain isolated because that, for you, is the only way to keep everyone safe. You put that protection of others above your own needs, it seems. You crave a deeper more meaningful connection, with Seren for example… and yet you say you chose your pathway and you must continue down this course for the sake of every person on your ship and everything you have worked for. You are allowed to have needs, though, and to have those needs met.

S: I get certain needs met. I still have Seren in my life, which is better than not at all.

Maybe, one day, I can open up to her – when the stakes are not so high.

I suppose, that having Gina around means that I can at least be myself, far more than for most of my life. He smiles. She’s good company, you know. I commissioned a painting of where she grew up as a surprise for her. It’s nice to have someone to do that for.

L: it sounds as though having Gina around has really allowed you to show this side of yourself that you previously kept locked away, and you’re cherishing that.

S: You know what, I am. She has one big dream, that I hope I can make come true. I’m going to work a little harder on that. Even if it means losing her.

L: I sense some bittersweetness there. You can help Gina achieve her dream, and in doing so you might lose her.

S: There’s no need to reiterate that. Starts to pace again. I accept that she is good for me. Maybe she was right, I do need to open up more. Maybe I should speak my truth to Seren, one day. Do you think—

Sal looks down at his belt. I must go, I am being called. His face alters subtly and a tsunami of charisma floods the room. Thank you for your time, Lucy. I am sure you won’t tell anyone I have been here. He leaves.

L: Oh, okay—bye, Sal!

You can connect with J. E. Hannaford via her author website or Twitter.